I’ve been in a long term relationship for the past 8 years. It started in February 2009 and at first it was filled with passion, enjoyment and dedication- just like all the best relationships. I looked forward to every single day. Filling my every thought and focus, it was soon the biggest part of my life.
The problem was and still is that it’s all consuming. There doesn’t feel like there is space in my life for anything else and I’ve reached a point where I’ve realised I can’t keep that kind of relationship in my life. It’s not healthy. Feeling like I can’t face going out the door because I can’t face something I once loved is heartbreaking. Sitting at home in the evening thinking about the history we have together should evoke feelings of fondness, yet increasingly all I can remember are the frustrations, the tears, the anger.
This relationship is exhausting and feels entirely one sided. I put everything into it and every year I have had a little niggle that I should get out. However, every year I have put aside those thoughts as I remember the moments of laughter, enlightenment and I foolishly decided that they were worth staying for. Which is why I’m not surprised that now, after 8 years in the relationship, I’ve decided that life is too short and those brief
glimmers of light, hope and happiness do not come (even a little bit) close to making up for the endless hours I put into the relationship and which leave me feeling exhausted, unhappy and numb. When every day you have to fake the smile on your face it’s time to get out.
In a few weeks time I will be handing in my notice. I have given my teaching career every ounce of inspiration, energy and passion I have. Now I have nothing left to give. I’m tired. Tired of putting 100% into something and receiving nothing back; tired of feeling judged and having to prove myself at every point; and tired of not actually getting any real time off to recover, recoup and regroup.
This is not a healthy relationship and the only reasonable solution for my wellbeing is to file for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences from teaching forever.